No Matter What

After a 3-week hiatus from the gym, I began working out again, this past week. The owner mapped out a 3-day-a-week routine for me that will take me through the next few months and then I can do it all over again after that. Feeling the pain of a life of fitness again feels really nice.

I had been feeling lonely for a while, so l answered an online personal ad last week and met a lovely man with whom I had dinner the other night. He asked me out again the next day and we’re going tomorrow night to have dinner and ice cream. He’s nice, smart, funny, sweet, cute and very nerdy...exactly the type of man with whom I like to share my time. I don’t know what, if anything, will come of our dates, but I do know that I feel less lonely and more ready to be with a man than I did the last time I tried romance.

I lay in bed last week, crying, saying over and over again to Chris, “No matter what, I will always love you. No matter what. No mater what. No matter what.” I hope he heard me. I hope he knows I’m telling the truth. I know that my mantra symbolized a deep seated longing to be released from my guilt, as well as an indication that I’m gearing up toward moving on, even if the insight is still partially subconscious. Funny, isn't’ it, that I have the ability to become aware of what I still consider to be in my subconscious mind? I’ll have to take that up with Clay and get his professional opinion on whether becoming aware of something subconscious is even possible.

So date #2 is tomorrow evening and I’m actually looking forward to it. I think I have done everything I can do within myself and my own life to move forward and the possibility exists that I may need somebody else to pull me the rest of the way out of my guilt and grief. Somehow I have formulated a hypothesis that some supportive, compassionate, understanding, loving arms just may be my ticket into the next phase of my life.

I feel as though something large is going to come out of this union. I find myself planning my life to enable a substantial amount of flexible time, just in case we keep seeing each other. I want to make sure I’m as available as I can be. I’m still doing everything I do, but I’m taking my classes online next semester, instead of going to class in person on a weekly, designated schedule. I’m still working out three times a week, but now my evenings are interchangeable. I find my willingness to make room quite curious.

No matter what, Creej.
Love Shneed