I got through the anniversary cluster; Chris’ birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day. One more anniversary to go. Our anniversary. January 17.
I had a wonderfully joyous weekend, this past, and I’m a bit surprised to admit that I’m feeling some more sadness today, probably due to the upcoming anniversary. It’s okay. Actually, it isn’t okay. I feel anxiety. I hate it. I feel sadness. I hate that, too. I worked out extensively this evening, and the exercise helped a lot, but endorphins, like any other vice, are a temporary fix. I know I’ll be okay.
I have been thinking about Chris, a lot, lately. I can see his face so clearly in my mind’s eye. I feel like I just saw him, yesterday, and I feel like I haven’t seen him in years. I miss him.
I’d like to be open, but there’s a part of me that’s terrified to feel. When I’m with Jonathan, I love him. When I think about him, I love him. But I think about Chris, too, and I still love him, too. I love someone I can never see again and I love someone I can see whenever I want to. I don't want to lay this on him, though. It's my crap, not his.
Maybe I’m just tired, tonight. I’m chalking up my sadness to weariness. A good night’s sleep and tomorrow’s cup of coffee are just around the corner.
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I hope you got both a good night's sleep and a good cuppa. I find the combination almost unbeatable for improving my mood.
ReplyDeleteI have heard that your experience of loving both Chris and Jonathan at once is quite common in widowhood. I have heard it likened to having a second child- you are so full of love for your firstborn, that you worry you can't possibly love another child that way. But somehow, you do. There is no limit on the amount of love to give.
I only have one child, so I cannot attest to this firsthand, but it gives me hope. ;) I think you are so brave to be able to open your heart, even just a little bit. It terrifies me to no end.
I will be thinking of you on the 17th.