Spirit Guide

Dear Chris,

I wish you could be here with me, right now. I’m just sitting on the couch, with the tv muted, thinking about contacting your spirit so I can feel our souls meshed together, again.

I’m nervous that I may not ever feel that soul meshing with Jonathan. Will, I Chris? Can you help me get there? You’re all wise now, right?

What’s it been like in Heaven, if there is such a place? Almost from the moment you died, I have imagined you flying around euphorically, celebrating freedom from your cancer-ridden body. Is Howard with you? Abada? Edna? Are they in love, again?

I think about you every day and I know the times when you’re with me. I can feel your presence sometimes and I become so happy. I feel hugged, cared about and safe when I know you’re with me. You comfort me. How does that work?

You sent that sparrow, didn’t you, to tell me that Jonathan was the man for me. I believe you. I love you and I trust you. Jonathan’s wonderful. How did you get that little bird to climb onto my finger and hop up my arm to sit on my shoulder? I loved it. I love sparrows. You knew that, didn’t you? That was quite a way to let me know you were watching and guiding us towards one another.

I’m scared, Chris. I’m afraid I won’t be good enough for another man. You and I were cookie cutter matches for each other. We were the same. Some days I just don’t know how I’m going to get along without you. Some moments I don’t get along without you.

I need you very much. I wish you hadn’t gone. I still cry. I still need you. I still love you. You’re still precious to me. I can still see the little boy in you and I can still hold you, sometimes, just like I feel you sometimes holding me. Thank you for that.

I need you more than ever now. I’m scared. I want to be strong enough to allow myself to go with Jonathan completely. I still feel like I’m hurting you by doing that. i still feel like I’m cheating on you. I still feel like it’s wrong to leave you standing alone on the other side when all I really want to do is run through the veil, wrap my arms around you and hold you, and thank you for knowing me.

I wish I could see you tonight in my dreams. I wish you’d come.

Shneed