I have been having a very tough time lately and I must say I am growing very weary of all of this.
Clay came back after a three week break and athough I didn’t expect to, I cried for the entire hour I was with him. Depression has taken hold and my life has become so split, like I’m living a double life.
I am very happy when I am around others and very sad when I am alone. The universe still feels so wrong to me since Chris died. We belong together and we never will be, now. Not on this earth, anyway.
I want so much to be in another relationship where I can share with a man, love a man, do for a man and accept love and kindness from a man, but meeting somebody is very difficult. I don’t really want to try. I just want it to happen, as I have said again and again.
I can trust the universe (which I have grown to hate) and know that eventually, when I am not looking, that someone special will come alone and change my life, but even that has become difficult. I find myself wondering if every single man I meet is the next “one” or not. I am exhausting myself. Wondering such a silly, superficial thing is taking away from my own being and my own happiness, yet, I am incapable of stopping my brain from asking me over and over, “Is he the one? Is he?”
There are a couple of men whom I am very attracted to, but who are in relationships. That’s the other part of it. At my age, I am hard-pressed to find a man who I find to be sweet, funny, smart and available. Nobody is all of those things, it seems. The rejection I have experienced on Match is not something I can take right now. Guys have expressed their desire to see me again, only to drop off the face of existence. Why can’t guys just say, “I don’t think I want to see you again.”? Is being truthful that difficult? I can take rejection when rejection comes clearly, but when I am left wondering what I did, what I said, what he’s thinking, what he’s potentially afraid of...It’s just too taxing.
So I cried like I haven’t cried in a very long time in front of Clay and I felt very safe doing it. I’m having a lot of trouble. I hate that Chris died and I hate that I am left alone to try to put it all back together again. None of it is fair. Not what Chris went though. Not what I go through on a daily basis and not what I still have to go through until I die. None of it. He should be here with me. He is the love of my life.
My sadness is riding shotgun again, next to my happiness. At any moment, it can reach over and grab the wheel. And it does.
I am such an unpredictable bundle of joy and sadness these days.
I want someone to love me. I want to give my love to somenone.
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OH MY...an angel? I've been called that before, dear, but I'm really a solitary journeyer on this plane called "Life on Earth." I learned in my later years just how unfair (at time) Life can truly be. I'm so happy that I help you to keep the train on the track when it seems like all it wants to do is derail. Stay focused, stay strong, grieve, of course, when u must and above all else, know that soon; very, very soon, Love will arrive and leave you breathless and refreshed. I reiterate that this will not happen until you let go of the hurting enough for a newness to enter in. You MUST be strong and you MUST NOT continually be asking yourself questions such as "when?, where? and how?" Think, instead, of how fortunate you are to HAVE LOVED and to HAVE BEEN LOVED to the degrees you were loved and now envision how Chris would only want you to take his love; the very seeds of his love and plant them within the heart of someone whom he is most likely trying to bring into view for you. You cannot block the blessings, dear. If you block the blessings your block the flow of what potential happiness COULD COME INTO BEING. Keep the train on the track and be well, dear. This is not an easy process to have to endure and sadly, when one endures it, one endures it alone. Stay close to God during these times and I will pray for you as well. Bye-bye, Robin, dear.
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