Sum of me…why not take sum of me?

I am being really nice to myself these days and taking the time I need to be by myself. Some might say I have withdrawn, but that wouldn’t really be the truth. My definition of withdrawn is a bit different, I think, in that I still get out and have fun, but I also turn off my phone for hours on end so I don’t have to talk with anybody. I’m just feeling my way through.

I took a couple of vacation days on each side of my already long weekend. I drove to New Hampshire to visit my mother and stayed with her for a couple of days and then headed south for an hour to visit Bonnie for the day. I left my textbooks and laptop at home so I wouldn’t be tempted to weigh myself down with responsibility, and I played with my mother’s toy poodle and gave him all of the love I still have left in me. I wish I could get a dog of my own, but I am simply not home enough to really shower enough affections on one.

I have been coming home every night and crying, and I really don’t want to try to stop. I just want to sit and cry. I have decided to stop trying to fill my void with another man. It won’t work, anyway. The harder I try, the more time I waste. Instead, I am using my time to get in shape, study and be around friends and family. I am trying very hard not to worry that I might spend the remainder of my life without another love. If that’s what God has in his plan for me, then so be it.

I would very much like for spring to come, even though the changes in seasons really get me down.

I miss him. That phrase is what my life is all about these days. I’m not going to be ashamed to grieve, anymore. Grief is part of who I am, now. Boxing, happiness, school, friends, running, singing, sadness, an increased dosage of Zoloft…all parts of who I am. The sum of me.