Abasement of Self-Effacement

I’m nervous about tonight because I don’t have a social plan in place. I have been on such a roll, lately, feeling upbeat and now I’m nervous that if I don’t make a plan, I’m going to go home and grieve. My loosely-set plan is to go work out at the gym, but I’m not really feeling it right now. I walked home from work last night (8 miles), so I don’t feel as though the gym is necessary. I don’t want to cry, tonight, but I don’t feel in control of my emotions lately.

I never thought I would be a “depressed” person. Depression isn’t what I thought it was, either. I don’t want to end my life. I don’t go to bed all the time. In fact, I hardly ever go to bed early and I can’t sleep during the day. I’m very active and I laugh a lot. And I’m depressed and I have a lot of anxiety. I’m beginning to adapt to both of those symptoms. I suppose I could go out for a run tonight. That would give me something to do, elevate my mood with an endorphin rush and keep me close to home.

I’m glad I stayed away from Clay for two weeks. It was hard. I wanted to go and I didn’t want to go. I kept changing my mind about what to do, and truthfully, I am no closer to making a decision. I have noticed a few interesting patterns within me, though.

There are men in my life who fill the void that Chris used to fill. I find myself feeling sad if these particular men don’t talk to me or if they show me less attention than usual or if they exit my life for whatever reason. They’re not potential boyfriends, by any stretch. They’re married, gay, uninterested or what have you. Still, I grow attached very easily. I thought I would be seeing more of one of them, but found out that I will not be. That’s when I began feeling sad. Realizing my expectations of these men is a huge deal. I wasn’t fully aware of what I was thinking until now, but I do tend to latch onto anyone who will show me the slightest bit of attention. I always have. It’s in my makeup. It isn’t fair to men, though, and it’s really not fair to do it to myself. I feel better already, having realized and openly admitted the truth.

I will find a man who will be my heart’s love again.

There. I made myself feel so much better.

Smiles,
Shneed