Another Spring (Forward)

I’m off to Bonnie’s this morning to have lunch, see Emily Dickinson’s home, enjoy the wonderful weather with the family I am so grateful to be a part of and to watch my nephew compete in a percussion competition. Today is going to be beautiful.

I haven’t seen Clay for the past two weeks. The last time I saw him I was in really rough shape. I had gone on a grief-bender of which there seemed to be no return. Now, two Clay-less weeks later, I can barely remember how horrible I felt. Clay believes I relapsed because he left for three weeks, and he managed to convince me, too, that my sudden onslaught of grief was caused by his absence. He believes that in my mind, I made a connection to Chris leaving, with his own absence from my life. Maybe so. I’m not so sure I am still convinced of that theory, even though there doesn’t seem to be another.

When I last visited him, I concluded my session by telling him I needed to take some time off of therapy. I just needed everything to stop. So I stopped it. We agreed that I would go on hiatus for a couple of weeks and when he called, I told him I wanted one more week off and then I wanted to begin seeing him only once a month. So that’s that. I made a decision. These past two, soon to be three, weeks away from therapy have served me just as I knew they would. In two weeks, I have cried for a total of about forty seconds. It’s no fault of Clay’s, though. I have simply removed myself from a situation in which I was repeatedly bringing up the event of Chris’ illness and death week after week after week. Just when I began to feel better, Thursday would roll around and I would have to talk about all of it all over again. I have now taken some breathing room for myself and I feel so much better. It’s time to begin weaning myself off of therapy and off of the presence of Clay in my life. He has been “the man” in my life since Chris died and I am ready to begin stepping away and reclaiming my independence.

Life continues to improve. I have just been inducted into the Golden Key International Honour Society for my academic excellence at school. That was quite an intoxicating surprise for me. Chris would be so proud of me.

Once again, I find myself standing at yet another threshold. Spring, once again, is in the next room. Another spring forward, another winter behind me. That makes three winters since Chris died.

I now know that I will never be over the loss of my sweet man. Grief doesn’t go away, but it also doesn’t stay in the form of pain. Its form changes, just as Clay told me during my first visit. I couldn’t see that then, but I see it now. Grief and death are not one-hundred percent pain. They also have the capacity to enrich life, to change people for the better and to serve as catalysts toward great achievements.

Would I rather have Chris by my side? Of course. But since that is not an option, I strive to accept that he walks beside me in spirit, and will for the whole of eternity.

Well, I’m off to spend a wonderful day with my family.

Peace out.

Shneed